.Always establish positive and special identity

6.Always establish positive and special identity

The truth was evident, where I have practiced it by taking some actions that can give confidence to my  wife that her husband was a "special guy" because it has its own privileges and special identity,

I have done the following measures to promote myself as a husband who is very special in the eyes of my  wife. Actually this is not planned, but it has become my personal temperament when I am teenager.

" I’m most respect to you darling, because  you are   not smoker '. My  wife told me while we were in the mood of ‘honey moon’ on the first night.

Obviously, I was destined not smoke, because smoking is harmful and also my religion giving instruction to avoid smoking and at the extreme  it is prohibited (haram)  to smoke due too much negative effect of cigar . Of course it halitosis, can cause lung diseases such as cough, cancer and more serious.  according to Islamic scholars, smoking is prohibited, some even remember smoking is "haram" in Islam.

When you talk about smoking. In my mind often recalled the heartbreaking event, which coincided one day I went to the hospital to visit a sick friend. While in the lift I bumped into an old friend. My house mate during our studying at secondary school last time.  Aziz Ismail his name. He was acute smoker since 60s.

" Assalamualaikum, you Aziz, I’m not realize you just now " I alert my old friend,   He was shocked looking at me. We was separated more than 30 years.

"Waalaikumussalam  Nik, I’m  not noticing you earlier. " He replied to me with a  hand signals because his voice could not be heard clearly.

"What's wrong with you ziz". I tried to get further answer.

"I've been ill for throat cancer, doctors cut off,  part of my throat." As he pointed towards swollen neck bandaged with plaster.

"I've broken voice box" voice sound like a whisper slowly and hoarsely.

I node in understanding what he is talking. I remember at the time we were housemate, he was among heavy smokers. Average daily he smoke 20 cigarettes.. Now he was attack by cancer that very painful to bear. But what could we do it all happened, he had to suffer the consequences. "Rice has become porridge".

Thank God that I manage to be a person of not smoker until now. Thus give a good example to my son, four of them  did not smoke. It is a privilege for our family. In fact, two of my son in law whose to be a smoker, would not smoke when they comes to our house. If they want to smoke they will smoke outside of the house and hid from my view.

Another privilege that  God has given to me is often helped my wife to cook at home.  That is may weekend hobby. I can cook a few Malay and Thai menu. Coking actually to be one of my personal talent, due to my younger aging time,  I like to help my mother cook in the kitchen, especially on "Market Day" where my mother was too busy serving customers in our retail store, so I has to helped her  to  cook rice and fish for my  younger siblings.

"Han please help Mum to cook rice '. Instruct mother to me one day.

"Now the time come to 3.00pm, Mum has to serve so  many customers".

"I do not now haw to cook". I responded to the instruction of my  mother.

"Don’t worry, I will teach you boy." While mothers take rice from the containers.

"Wash the rice several times, when it’s clean, put water into it and make sure the water is not so much, only up to this finger “ mum shown her finger to  me.

Since that day, I able to cook rice to perfection.

"Who cooked this rice" asked my father.

"Who else, the only so of you lah," the mother said with a smile looking at me. I just smile and mind tell to myself  " I'm a good chef, I will prove that men can cook like ladies” I’m proud of myself  when been praised by mum.

I feel so happy because  was  praise by the mother and father.

From the first experienced of cooking rice, I’m very keen to help my mum to prepare a few dish of menu at the weekend.

I still remember how to start learning to cook a fish with sour soup.

"Han, please help mum to cook fish dish " Mother asked me to cook about 40 years ago

"Sorry mum, I did not know to cook fish dish" I replied.

"Let mum shown your how to cook Fish with sour soup" the mother responded.

"Put the fish in clean water, added garlic two cloves and slices it, tamarind 2 pieces, one inch  slice of  ginger,  two slice of “asam gelugur” added pinch of salt and a little sugar 'mother teach me how to cook fish dish about 40 years ago.

My first fish dish with a bit of salt that made the soup taste bit salty.

"Huh … fish soup bit salty taste, whose cooking" father voice out while we take our dinner. 

"Sorry dad I did it, I  do not know how to cook '. I swept and looked down, embarrassed myself.

"It’s ok. He just learn to cook dad" mother reply and trying to comfort me.

"God Willing, I’m proud of you Han” father to calm me down.

Mom  always gave me Tips  how to cook a few menu,  so that I can cook various dishes manu. Thanks mom who guided me to be so good at cooking. My cooking style is the heritage of my mom cooking of Malay Traditional menu.

Now the talent of cooking have become an idol to my sons, daughters , grandson and family.

It is normal for my grandson to back his grandfather (Tok Ayah) to cook special order menu when they came to home. They'll call ahead so "Tok Ayah" to prepared special order menu such as Fry Rise Chinese Style, Rice Dishes Arabic, Salted Fish with Kailan, and so on.

"Dad,  this evening we are going home,  please cook Arabic Rice Dish we love it”. Along phone me one day.

"OK," I replied.

Then I rushed to the kitchen to provide food that is in 'order' by along.

Such an atmosphere can be said to be routine for me whenever grandchildren on vacation home.  Moreover lately after my pension  cooking is my fulltime duties.

I am so grateful for the privilege cook that given by Allah to me, it, has facilitated my work everyday to provide food for the family after my wife paralyzed. Could this be proof that God does not burden  His servants. Everything happening to my family is the lord Allah planning , it is commensurate with the ability to serve Him. Allahu Akbar.

As Allah says in the Quran:

“Allah does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of its ability; for it is ( the benefit of) that it has earned and upon it ( the evil of ) what it has wrought; Our Lord! Do not lay us  a burden as Thou didst lay on those before us. Our Lord do not impose upon us that which we have not the strength to bear;  and pardon us and grant us protection and have mercy on us. Thou art our Patron, so help us against the unbelieving people” The Cow : 286).

Another special identity that I can show to my wife when she is in confinement after give birth, , I will ensure that the activities to take care of the baby to be done by me.  This I have done ever since the birth of our first baby in 1981.

" Darling, can you help me to bathe the baby, I’m worry to do myself she is so small" my wife ask me one day.

"Sure, no problem darling , I used to take care of my nephew last time"  my response for convincing wife deserves.

"So smart you bathe the baby, just hold one hand?" Said the wife while I bathe the baby.

" Hai, look who is such, is the husband of versatile" I tried to convince my wife, accompanied by the relevant male ego feeling. The wife saw to me and smile with thousand meaning.

Since that day, I planned my time everyday to go home  during tea break  (10 am) to bathe the baby.  Fortunately we live in the quarters close  by my offices, just 3 minutes walking distance.

This action has been leading an intimate   relationship. The wife was so grateful of  me who could help her to keep the baby in confinement after giving birth.  The wife was so proud to have a partner who diligently helped him at home that to ease her routine duty.

" I’m so proud of your darling, not easy  to find a caring husband like you," my wife praised me as soon as I finished bathing the baby.

"Praise just to please me ?".

"No I’m sincere darling”

I just nodded  and smiling as response to my wife. In my mind rises feeling that it's the responsibility of the husband to do it all, if not able to do themselves he must find a maid. . That is the teaching of Islam, but many husbands  do not take his responsibility , jus ingot it,  after all the culture of the Malay community stipulates that all home affairs made by his wife. What more the men take the advantage of the belief.

My action helped  wife in confinement was very profound impact to my wife. The majority of husband neglect to help his wife at home because they are worried to be call as a coward husband and will be branded as “queen control". This negative stigma is against the Islamic teaching which confined the responsible of husband to provide a maid an if he is not  capable to do so, he himself to do the job.

This understanding is far deviated from the teachings of Islam brought by Prophet Muhammad SAW. The Prophet always helped his wives do housework. Husband should be proud if he could help his wife do their homework because such treatment is in accordance with the Sunnah of the Prophet. Extrinsic reward awaits in the afterlife. How lucky for her husband's light fossilized bones wife at home.

In building a positive attitude among the husband as the leader of the household, the husband must not give up when tested with the difficulties and sorrow.  My practice in helping wife to do  home duties is a helping factor to ease my self to handle the home duties for 15 years when my wife was attack by stroke,. Now it is cases is always open-minded when tested with hardship and suffering. For example, the fragrance in the twists and turns in my life several times devastated when virulent case of knee pain in 1984,   I was falsely accused of masterminding a conspiracy privatization of a government agency in 2000. The wife was paralyzed (the one side of body) in 2001, I made ​​a scapegoat in episode in a power struggle 2002 - 2006. All the bitterness that I went through with just depends on the conditions and destiny of God. I never lose heart, but will try my best to deal with the temptations and the litmus test with an open mind, I do not blame the other person in any hassle that I experienced it, I was more focused on the provision of God who does all that for test His servants, despite its shortcomings. Maybe it's all given by Allah to eradicate for all my sins in the past. Astarfirrulahhalazim.

The most virulent in touch with my positive attitude was in March 2000 when the beloved wife has paralyzed the right side of the body,   causing it needs my help at all the time to continue his daily life. Wives who in my opinion beautiful incomparable previously has been disabled. However, I can accept the fact that, by putting already resigned from Allah. I have an open and sober. Now the time has passed nearly 15 years of our lives and my wife still intact and still love our faithful vibrant blooms every time. Thank God. Actually I did not expect to run into this all with patience and an open mind. I used to just theorize about the positive nature when giving a lecture related to project management to the participants in Institute of Public Administration (Intan). Now I myself have to implemented in real life how to be a positive in taking the vagaries of life in this mortal world.

Thank God  give me with positive qualities  to faces  all the Lord Allah test .Possibly because I was used to dealing with such tests at early age, then  any tested put to me by Lord Allah,I face it with patience and serenity with permission and guidance of Allah . .god Blessing . Alhamdulillah.

Tips:

1.      Everyone has the potential (natural advantages grace of God) if this potential use should be   made ​​her a success in life. If we can take the  positive potential to be good behavior in our daily lives, it will impact very good friends and people who think we are a principle  and integrity person.

2.      If we do something with sincerity and responsibility, it will not be a burden. Conversely, if the work is related to helping others, God will give us   guidance and blessings. When we always ready to help others, Allah will make it easy for us to address a problem faced by us, because there will be other people who will help us to overcome the difficulties. That ordinance that God has promised,  That the theory of reciprocal. 

3.      Any work done willingly and fully sincerity in   every day life, over time will be a fun routine tasks. Such condition will be able for us to faces any  disaster  exists in one's life, every problems can be handle with smart solutions and the task can be take easily without any stress.

4.      If a husband   so hard to make the housework will affect children, especially   girls make their lazy attitude. Therefore our efforts to help the wife doing homework needs to show restraint. Children should also be given for each task equally care of the household. Family meeting should be held to gain consensus, after it will be ensured that all tasks can be performed with harmony and sincerity. Over time there will be a culture among family members that everyone has a responsibility and role of each other. Understanding this situation will create a happy family environment. God willing ...